Susan M. Boyer

USA TODAY Bestselling Author
Agatha Award Winner

  • Home
  • About
    • Bio
    • Media Kit
    • Photo Galleries
    • Privacy Policy
    • Stella Maris Books, LLC
  • Books
    • The Liz Talbot Mystery Series
    • Carolina Tales
  • Maps & Extras
    • Stella Maris
      • Who’s Who in Stella Maris
      • Stella Maris Map
    • Carolina Tales
      • Coming Soon!
  • News
  • Events
  • Blog
  • Contact

Susan M. Boyer

USA TODAY Bestselling Author
Agatha Award Winner

  • Home
  • About
    • Bio
    • Media Kit
    • Photo Galleries
    • Privacy Policy
    • Stella Maris Books, LLC
  • Books
    • The Liz Talbot Mystery Series
    • Carolina Tales
  • Maps & Extras
    • Stella Maris
      • Who’s Who in Stella Maris
      • Stella Maris Map
    • Carolina Tales
      • Coming Soon!
  • News
  • Events
  • Blog
  • Contact

The Mother of All Stupidities

September 13, 2006 in Uncategorized

Let the record reflect that I went to Jazzercise four days last week, and took two body sculpt classes. That’s six classes total. This week, so far, I’ve been to three (Jazzercise on Monday, Body Sculpt and Jazzercise yesterday). Today, it’s raining, and, while I probably won’t melt, why take chances? Besides, I have work to catch up on.

The new session of Personal Torture started Monday, and I am somewhat concerned about my personal safety, as I previously committed to The Queen of Pain that I would re-enlist. However, having wisely spent all my pocket money on Bushwackers at The Beach Bar, day trips to the British Virgin Islands, and over-indulgent meals while in St. John, I have no money left for Personal Torture. Sad but true. I subscribe with wild abandon to the “sha-la-la-la-la-la live for today” philosophy.

Anyway, to make up for the lack of torture in my life, I took a sucker bet. Demon Diane bet me she could get in fifty classes before me, starting on Sunday. She stipulated that she wouldn’t count the classes she taught or her Personal Torture, and told me she was taking two weeks of vacation. Sounds like a no brainer, right? I mean, how could she possibly win that? So I took the bet.

What I did not stop to consider (and here’s where the stupidity comes in) is that Demon Diane has an obsessive compulsive exercise disorder. She’s a size four, who (the last time I checked) was going to Jenny Craig). She exercises in her sleep. She will crush me. As The Queen of Pain herself wisely inquired, “What was I thinking?”

I’m up to 3 classes. I’ll bet she’s at about ten…no, wait, if she took every class but hers, she’s probably at eleven by now…

Peace, out…

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Demon Diane, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

Workin’ Up A Black Sweat

August 3, 2006 in Uncategorized

Okay, Demon Diane like to kilt me on Monday. And you can tell how much she enjoys inflicting pain. She actually smiled when, after 25 aerobic songs she said, “Y’all didn’t cool down any on that last one? Me neither.” I think she’s trying to see if she can make me pass out. I’ll just go ahead and save her the trouble of that little experiment…she can. I hallucinated there for a while on Monday, during Workin’ Up a Black Sweat (for those of you unfamiliar with his music, this is a recent song by Prince…er…the artist formerly known as Prince, or whatever he’s calling himself these days).

Anyway, so I recuperated yesterday by lolling in bed for an extra hour or so and accidentally missing class. This morning I accidentally slept late and went to Myra’s class–the caring, nurturing and always entertaining one. She did not disappoint. We wiggled (one of her signature moves), we wobbled, and we kept our headlights on bright. But about midway through the third or fourth aerobic song, I noticed a trail of what looked like mascara dripping down the side of her neck and down on to her, umm…headlights. I kid you not. Myra actually worked up a black sweat. Not just a little one, either.

I was standing on the front row, and noticed it right off. Naturally, I was concerned by this strange phenomenon, not being sure that it wasn’t the symptom of some exotic and highly contagious disease (she did just get back from vacation). I said to her, “Myra…you’re sweating black.” An instructor can easily hear you from the front row. Her eyes got great big. I was thinking maybe this was something else to do with her being an alien and all, but then, Casey and Diane don’t sweat black…but then again, they don’t sweat all that much, either, so it could be black sweat, and I never noticed.

Myra covered the whole thing up by saying that she had a new headpiece and it must be bleeding. Riiiight. I have seen instructors use new headpieces before, but never have any of them sweated black. If y’all don’t hear from me, you’ll know it was contagious…

Oh, I almost forgot…progress!!! I lost 2.4 pounds last week. Yippee!!

Peace, out…

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Demon Diane, Jazzercise, The Caring and Nurturing Alien

A Wardrobe Malfunction

June 15, 2006 in Uncategorized

Yesterday I went to Personal Torture and to Demon Diane’s Salsa class. PT was painful, but, except for Shona making us laugh telling stuff I can’t post here, uneventful. Not so the Salsa class. Diane was ravishing in a halter style, asymmetrical hemline flouncy dress. She was perfectly accessorized, right down to the aerobic shoes. Now, one might imagine that someone Jazzercising in a halter-top flouncy dress might be susceptible to the dreaded wardrobe malfunction, but Demon Diane pulled off the set without incident. It was my wardrobe that malfunctioned.

A while back (just before the commercial was taped) Casey, the Queen of Pain, shamed me into purchasing several new Jazzer-outfits. It was high time, since I’d been wearing the same oversized, faded T-shirts and capris for four or five years now. We were both sick of looking at them, so I trotted on over to Target and stocked up on capri-length exercise pants and matching tops. These tops are more fitted than my usual long, floppy T-shirts, and the capris have a stylish foldover band around the hips in a contrasting color. The stylish pink band on my black capris was the source of the problem.

Salsa dancing is hip-intensive. The stylish pink band around my VOLUPTUOUS hips wiggled itself into an un-folded-over position, making my capris full-length pants in mid-chanse. I adjusted them as good as I could while tangoing, only to find that they slipped even further down during the samba. I wrestled with those pants the entire class. It was very distracting–I’m sure I didn’t get my heart rate up into the green zone (the place on the chart in the front of the room where I don’t have enough breath to whine and my life is passing before my eyes). My pants never actually slid all the way off, but had I not fortuitously worn a Jazzercise T-shirt which is longer than my new matching top, the twenty people standing behind me would have had a gander at my pink flowered Victoria’s Secrets.

I missed class today all together, but I have a good reason, several actually. I had to go to the mall, there were things I needed and Belks sent me several really good coupons in the mail. Also, everything is on sale right now. Then, I had a dermatologist appointment, followed by a hair appointment. I didn’t even get to eat lunch until Christie had my foils in. I munched on a Chick-fil-a sandwich while my highlights processed. Then I had to go pick up prescriptions, and by that time it was after five. True, I could have made Julie’s class, but then I would have been too sore to make it in the morning.

Obviously, I didn’t get a thing written today. I’ll do better tomorrow. Y’all hold me to it!!

Peace, out…

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Demon Diane, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

One Step Up and Two Steps Back

March 21, 2006 in Uncategorized

I’m off to a good start–it’s Monday, and I made it to 8:15 Jazzercise!! Whoo-Hoo!! Of course, Demon Diane had the microphone this morning, and inflicted great pain and suffering on us all. I swear, she enjoys hearing us whine! I’m not joking. At one point, she even said we had to keep doing this Chinese torture move until we all whined!! The girl is sadistic. Then, while the music was changing, she says, “Okay, let’s get that next hurting song on.”
I’m just wondering if maybe the woman that gets up on stage is her alternate personality–you know, like Sybil. Cause before she gets that microphone, she’s all,”How y’all doing, how was vacation,” and all that. But put her on the stage and give her a microphone and let the agony begin.
But, as Myra would say, I’m sure it’s good for me…
Eating was a mixed bag today. I started off all right, with a low-fat blueberry muffin and a Starbucks non-fat mocha (no Mega Moo Mocha Moo Latte–sob!). But the for lunch I had leftovers–it’s sinful to waste food. Sweet Onion Risotto with Chicken Cacciatore. Yum. I love Risotto. It’s the ultimate starch. So creamy and rich…I ate it for dinner, too. And then I had a cupcake. It was here, okay? As I have often maintained, I have a complete lack of self-discipline.
Writing went well today. I got a lot of polishing done on the first three chapters of LCB, and worked on chapter four. It’s coming. I feel good about it…or is that the sugar high?

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Demon Diane, Diets and Other Torture, Jazzercise

It Hurts So Good

March 17, 2006 in Uncategorized

I made it to 8:15 Jazzercise today. Whoo-hoo!! I’m back on the morning schedule. For now. Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8:15 is Diane. Diane is a great instructor, even if she is one of the infuriatingly thin ones. She really makes me mad because she’s thin and tanned, and she’s got this flat little stomach that looks like a board. You know the type: she looks cute, not at all trashy, in those little exercise tops that show just a touch of stomach. I just makes you want to smack her. But we love her, so we don’t.
Also, I’m afraid that might be dangerous. Not only is Diane very fit, but she wins the award for most songs with punching and kicking in them. And the face she makes when she punches and kicks? That girl looks mean, I’m telling you what. And this morning? She was torturing us with some sadistic leg routine, and some poor soul said, “this hurts!” Did she have any sympathy at all? No indeedy. Do you know what she said? She said, “It’s supposed to hurt.” (!!) And then, because it’s St. Patrick’s day, and several people weren’t wearing green, she asked if they had been pinched. Somebody said yes, and she said, “Good!” I’m telling you, she’s got a mean streak–don’t make her mad.
Okay, it’s back to working on the novel…blog you later!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Demon Diane, Jazzercise

Susan M. Boyer Follow Susan
GoodreadsBookbubInstagram

Categories

Tags

Blather and Profound Notions Charleston Conferences Cover Reveal Crazy Happens Demon Diane Diets and Other Torture Evidence of My Insanity Evidence of Rampant Insanity Family Giveaways I Am Therefore I Write Jazzercise Karaoke Lowcountry Boneyard Lowcountry Bonfire Lowcountry Bookshop Lowcountry Boomerang Lowcountry Boondoggle Marilyn Moments Michelle the Maniac Occasionally I Cook Passing Sweet Time Precariously Perky Julie Refreshing Beverages Road Trip SCWW Sweet Jenny the Alien Talk to Me The Caring and Nurturing Alien The Queen of Pain The Singing Alien Thoughts on Books Read Vast Fat-Wing Conspiracy Wendy the Alien Who Might Kill Me Wild-Eyed Rants

Newsletter Sign Up

This form needs Javascript to display, which your browser doesn't support. Sign up here instead

Home About Books Events Stella Maris Blog Privacy Policy Contact
Copyright © 2019 Susan M. Boyer. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2023 · Susan Boyer Child Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in