These Things Ain’t All They’re Cracked Up To Be

Okay, not all Jazzercise instructors are infuriatingly thin, but most are. Casey is, bless her heart. She is obnoxiously gorgeous, but we all love her anyway. But, like most women so thin they have to buy their clothes in the children’s department, she has plenty of growing room in her A cups. She just got a new haircut and some highlights, (which made her even more nauseatingly beautiful) and maybe because of the new look–or maybe because the poor woman is having a reaction to some medication that effects her eyesight–someone in class tonight told her she looked voluptuous. Because Casey has the microphone, and was proud of her compliment, she made the mistake of sharing it with thirty women. Tsk, Tsk. When you’re that pretty, other women will take a shot when they have it. My eyebrows must have shot up to my hairline in mid-chanse, because she promptly told me I could lower them. She has the microphone. In my house–in my whole extended family, actually–voluptuous is a code word for pleasantly plump. When you are chubby and the man in your life wants to compliment you on how you look, he tells you you look voluptuous. It’s a good thing there’s no margin for confusion in Casey’s case.
Anyway, last song she had us doing push-ups. Ahem. When you carry as much weight on your chest as I do, push-ups are simply not logistically possible. Really, they’re not. So I do the modified version. But my point is this: these things are not all they’re cracked up to be. No matter what your husband says, if you are mammary-challenged, thank your lucky stars. Trust me. As a matter of fact, I suspect that all that weight on my chest is the source of my breathing problems. Think about it. My lungs have to lift forty pounds just to get a get a little oxygen. And they get in the way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dropped food on them. And you can’t buy an exercise bra to lock these things down, I don’t care what the ads say. Large ta-tas are just not practical, so be thankful if you are not voluptuous.
One of Casey’s favorite wisecracks is, “be careful what you say to the woman with the microphone.” I have another bit of wisdom for her: Be careful what you say to the woman with a blog.