Susan M. Boyer

USA TODAY Bestselling Author
Agatha Award Winner

Susan M. Boyer

USA TODAY Bestselling Author
Agatha Award Winner

The Stingray Incident

I can’t believe I haven’t told y’all this story, but I’ve searched my blog high and low, and somehow, I have not.

Like many folks, I love the beach. Give me a beach umbrella, a chair, and a book, and I am one happy camper. I used to swim in the ocean, or perhaps more accurately, bob around in it, and ride the waves on anything that would float. That was before my close encounter with a stingray.

 The waters off the coast of South Carolina have a fair amount of sand and such stirring around in them courtesy of the rivers flowing into the Atlantic in the vicinity. Disclaimer: I’m not a scientist who studies such things. This is the reason I’ve been given since childhood when I ask why the water in South Carolina isn’t as clear as south Florida and the Caribbean. This could just as easily be something Mamma pulled out of thin air to keep me quite. I digress. The point is, you can’t see the bottom.

A few summers ago we rented a beach house in Garden City, South Carolina for a family vacation. It had a boat dock in the backyard and the Atlantic in the front. The first day—it was a beautiful day—Sugar, (my husband, aka Jim) my brother, and my brother-in-law took the pontoon boat out fishing. Daddy, my sister, and I were taking a late afternoon dip. Mamma was sitting in her beach chair watching us try to push each other down in the waves. We aggravate each other as a way of showing affection.

Suddenly, fish started jumping out of the water—lots of fish. They’d break the surface, hit the water and jump again. They flopped and splashed all around us. Now, I’ve always heard that when small fish do this, it’s because a bigger fish is trying to have them for supper. Naturally, I’m thinking, Shark! 

“Run!” I screamed and bolted for the beach. We were almost out of the water when something got ahold of my foot and I just knew I was going to have a stump where my foot used to be. I expected gallons of blood. I’d have to be helicopter-lifted to the hospital. Would I ever walk again? Would I die on the beach from blood loss? These were the things that ran through my mind because it felt like something had chewed my foot clean off.

Imagine my shock seconds later when I reached the beach and my foot looked nearly normal—still attached and everything. It still hurt like blazes. But aside from a little redness and a mark just below my ankle, it looked fine—still attached and everything. 

“A jellyfish must have gotten you,” my sister said. “I know those hurt.” 

She sounded real sympathetic, but I knew there was no way on God’s green earth she could possibly know how bad my foot hurt or she would be calling 911. I wanted Sugar.

“Find Jim,” I wailed.

“Let’s put some vinegar on it,” my sister said.

“This was not a jellyfish,” I growled. My foot was now a brighter shade of red, and it had puffed up.

I limped towards the house. Someone called Sugar on his cell phone, and by the time I made it to the house, he was there. He put me in the car and off to the ER we went.

I am telling y’all right now, this hurt worse than childbirth. The pain radiated up my leg and the swelling spread. It hurt so bad I howled all the way to the hospital, which took only about twenty minutes but felt like days. I was scared.

I kept right on howling in the ER. They were busy, and wanted to shut me up, so someone brought out some hot towels and wrapped my leg in them. “Does that feel better?”

I stopped my caterwauling. “Yes—that helps.”

“A stingray got you. Heat breaks down the venom.”

Every time the towels cooled off, I started howling again and they’d bring more. I didn’t have to wait long. The doctor had to cut open my foot to make sure the barb wasn’t in there. Thankfully it wasn’t. After several shots and prescriptions for antibiotics and painkillers, I left on crutches.

I spent the remainder of that vacation propped on pillows in the screened porch or hobbling around. I still love beaches, but I have one iron-clad rule: If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t get in the water.

Y’all stay safe.

Susan

Y’all Won’t Believe This, Either…

in Crazy Happens, Evidence of My Insanity, Family

I’ve been completely absent from social media for the last week or so because we’ve been in the middle of moving. Anyone who has ever moved knows what an all-consuming, body-and-soul-battering experience this is. I’ve been in over my head, is what I’m saying.

Because Sugar has been home for two and a half days of this move—his paycheck is a key component of this entire project—my parents have been in town to help me organize. Mamma is especially good at pantries and all things kitchen. Dad toted a thousand boxes of books upstairs to my office, then broke down the boxes after Mamma alphabetized and shelved my books. I don’t know what I would have done without my parents this last week.

But the crazy happened Sunday night after we’d dropped Sugar off at the airport to go back to work. Mamma and Daddy went to bed about ten thirty. We were all exhausted. I turned in about twelve thirty after a long hot shower. I slept pretty well until exactly five thirty when I woke to loud moaning and groaning. I hopped out of bed and ran upstairs to the door of the guest room, thinking something was bad wrong with one of my parents. But all was quiet on the other side of their door. I went back downstairs, checked the doors and windows, and went back to bed thinking maybe I’d been dreaming.

At six thirty, I awoke to an alarm. I hadn’t set an alarm. I checked the clock. It was silent, as was my phone. The beeping came from a box I hadn’t unpacked yet. I tore it open and dug through a mess of unrelated items until I found the weather station that has occupied the corner of my bedside table for years. It displays the temperature indoors and out. I never knew it also has an alarm clock feature. We’ve never used it, and it hadn’t gone off the previous three nights that unpacked box had sat in my new bedroom.

I finally got the dang thing to shut up and went to powder my nose before returning to bed. Y’all, when I sat down on that toilet, I nearly fell in—ladies, y’all have experienced this I’m sure. It happens every time a man you live with leaves the toilet seat up. Except Sugar had gotten on a plane at three that afternoon and my daddy has his own bathroom upstairs and a powder room downstairs and no reason whatsoever to wander into my bathroom. Also, I had used the bathroom in question myself before going to bed, and I assure you I did not raise the seat.

Let me tell you, I was spooked. I started wondering about the lady we’d bought this house from. She’s such a sweet lady. She and her husband built this house in 2008, but her poor husband passed away two years ago. I never asked her if he’d left this world for the next while in this house because I didn’t want to know.

I think we have a ghost.

Sugar has offered all manner of far-fetched explanations for all of the above, but I’m not buying any of them. I think we have a ghost who likes to play pranks. All things considered, this isn’t a bad thing. I can get all sorts of inspiration for Colleen from him.

 

Peace, out…

 

Susan   

I Make Things Up and Write Them Down

in Family, I Am Therefore I Write

That line, “I make things up and write them down,” used to be my short bio somewhere–maybe it was Facebook, back before my Facebook page was a part of my ONLINE PRESENCE. But it’s true. That’s what I do. In a few minutes, October 18 will be here, and my debut novel, Lowcountry Boil, will be a month old. The last month has flown, and it’s been so incredibly wonderful I get teary-eyed just thinking about it. We’ve taken lots of photos, and the web gurus are making a special page for them. (This is my first post on the new website, and I’m trying not to blow it up.) My guess is that for most authors, the launch of a first novel is all cupcakes, champagne, friends, and fireworks. Okay, there were no fireworks, but my brother-in-law fired his cannon. I digress.

Because I have been blessed beyond the imagination of most normal folks in the colorful family department, my relatives simply do not believe they are not in the book. Some of my friends are convinced they must be in there, too. On several occasions over the last month, as we’ve celebrated this milestone various family members and friends have pulled me aside and asked, “Who am I in the book?” [Read more…]

The Christmas Trees Won’t Fit in the Bathroom

in Crazy Happens, Evidence of My Insanity, Family

I can write about this now, because it’s over. But, I’ve danced perilously close to the line between sane and crazy these last few months…

Sugar and I are blessed with a large family, and we are grateful for each and every loved one. We love it when they all come over to visit. We were not, so much, prepared for five of them to move in for an extended stay. But, the economy and other disasters made it necessary. This is what family does, right?

The guestroom became an extended-stay bedroom, which meant all my off-season clothes had to either fit into my closet or be stored in the basement. Both my office and Sugar’s also became extended-stay bedrooms, which meant that everything in those offices, including all the stuff stored in the closets, had to go downstairs. All of this had to happen quickly, which meant we ended up with what looked like the aftermath of a tornado in the basement.

When we first bought our current home, the partially finished basement served as an overflow area. It was eclectically furnished, and we could hang out there when all the family was around, or when we felt like rounding up a group of friends for Karaoke and didn’t want trouble with the HOA. (The sound doesn’t carry outside from the basement.) Also, there was a nice-sized storage room, the laundry room, and a pre-plumbed, but unfinished, bathroom.

We tried carving office space out of the storage room, but the Christmas trees wouldn’t fit in the bathroom, which was the new storage room. With all the stuff now in what used to be the unfinished-but-not-too-bad Karaoke/Family room we were low on space for everyone to hang out separately when we started getting on each other’s nerves. And, as I am slightly–okay, maybe much more than slightly–OCD, the chaos in my house was driving me to the brink of a breakdown.

Suddenly, the basement we might finish one day became the basement we needed finished lickety-split. All the stuff that had just been moved to the basement had to be moved to the garage. The cars had to be parked outside. Never one to pay someone else to do something he can conceivably do himself, Sugar drew up a construction plan, got a permit, and got to work–during the one day a week, some weeks, but not all, when he was home.

Progress was slow. Nerves frayed. Construction dust drifted upstairs and covered everything, no matter how often we cleaned. After about eight weeks, Sugar looked at me and said, “Call somebody.” I did, and the work is mostly finished now. We had a few bad moments when we were cleaning the aftermath and moving things back in from the garage. Several pieces of furniture are worse for the experience, and one didn’t make it.

But, we have a fully-functional family/Karaoke room now, with more than one bare bulb and a disco ball for lighting, and more than one electrical outlet to replace the two power strips and spaghetti bowl of extension cords. The Christmas trees have their own storage space. Sugar has his office back, and I have a killer new writing cave. And boy, does that extra bathroom come in handy.

Peace, out…

Susan

An Incognito Rock Star with a Sprained Derriere

in Crazy Happens, Family

You know that old Billy Joel song We Didn’t Start the Fire? Sometimes my life is like that–one long rapid-fire series of events. But hey, I’m never bored.

When Sugar and I arrived home from two weeks in Indiana around tenish on Friday the 29th, we lugged our stuff upstairs, had a glass of wine, and collapsed into bed. Saturday morning, we had to fit our house tour and all the errands into a compressed time slot, because we were invited to a killer Halloween party in Greenwood,  ninety minutes away.

This was a Guitar Hero party, and we were supposed to go dressed as rock stars. All we could pull off was Sugar in his (typical) Jimmy Buffett weekend attire, accessorized with a captain’s hat and shoulder parrot, and me in big sunglasses. I told our hostess I was incognito, and could be any rock star she wanted me to be. (For some reason, people kept calling me Tennille.)

The party was a blast–so much fun, good food, good company–but we stayed well past the pumpkin carriage’s schedule, and spent the night in a local hotel instead of making the ninety-minute drive home.

We arrived back in Greenville on Sunday just in time to prepare for friends and family coming to our house for a cookout. When our loved ones left around tenish, we finished the laundry and repacked, as Sugar was leaving on a jet plane at 5:00 the next morning, and I was headed home to North Carolina to “handle” my father who was being obstinate about a gall bladder operation he needs. This, of course turned out to be a fool’s errand, as Daddy is completely unmanageable, but I got in some quality family time.

I spent half the week with Mamma and Daddy, then went to Raleigh to “handle” another crisis involving my offspring. This leg of the trip was marginally more successful, and again, I got quality family time–always precious.

Then, when I arrived home on Friday last, I did a very stupid thing. I do not travel light. I have a large suitcase, which is always packed with everything I might conceivably need. (I’m nothing if not prepared.) As Sugar wasn’t home yet, I carried this monster in my left hand, with my laptop and mammoth purse on my right shoulder, up the stairs. This arrangement required me to rest the suitcase on my left hip as I lugged it up the steps.

It wasn’t until Saturday, when the lower back pain started, that the full consequences of my stupidity started revealing themselves. At a friend’s house for dinner Saturday night, I had to keep moving from chair to chair to floor to standing trying to keep the pain at bay.

By three a.m. Sunday–mere hours before Sugar and I were scheduled to head BACK to Indiana–the pain in my left derriere was so intense I was nauseous. I nudged Sugar. “I hurt so bad I’m about to throw up,” I said.

The love of my life mumbled, “Just relax. We’ll go to the ER in the morning.”

“Why do I have to wait?” I wailed.

“They aren’t open now.”

“It’s the ER–THEY DON’T CLOSE.” The louder wail woke not only Sugar, but likely the neighbors, and set several dogs to barking.

Sugar was up, dressed, and had me in the car within mere moments.

The doctor gave me a shot of something that allowed me to ride ten and a half hours in the car to Indiana, and five prescriptions. But, since the shot wore off, I can’t sit. I can lie in any position that doesn’t put pressure on my left derriere at all, or kneel at the desk and answer quick emails.

All of this to explain my absence from Jazzercise, Twitter, Facebook, my blog, and most human interaction for the last week and a half. I’m also over-medicated, so anything I do say should be taken with a large grain of salt.

Peace, out…

Susan

P.S. About the house… Your know that saying about how you can’t go home? Sometimes it’s true. When Sugar and I walked into the house we loved, the one that holds so many memories, we realized immediately the answer to what had mystified us a few years earlier: why did it take so long to sell such a great house?

Since we left, we’ve lived in new construction, and have grown accustomed to an open floor plan, nine-foot ceilings, modern baths, and windows that work properly. We’re spoiled, yes. We stepped into the foyer of our previous home, and immediately felt claustrophobic.

The good news is, we can quit pining for what we thought we missed, and even if we never embrace certain aspects of subdivision living, we can fully embrace our new home and get on with life. This is a good thing, as we have a full one.

When Life Sends You a Fruit Basket

in Blather and Profound Notions, Evidence of My Insanity, Family

We all know what to do with lemons, right?  When life hands us lemons, we make lemonade and add our libation of choice. Common sense, that. When we have only one choice, we make the best of it.
But what to do when life hands you a basket filled with mangoes, kiwi, and all manner of luscious fruits? I’m ridiculously blessed, and perhaps, sometimes, have too many choices. If I fill up on figs and strawberries, I won’t have room for a peach, right? And I love peaches…

Saying yes to one thing always means saying no to something else. Saying no is hard for me. I spent years of my life so over-extended by commitments–okay, yes, I’m no longer talking fruit here, we’re on time management, please stay with the group–that I was in need of an intervention and regular doses of that spiked lemonade.

But the need to make hard choices, embrace them, and not look back applies to so many things. (Leaving time management, on to life choices…it’s all about the fruit…)

A few weeks ago, when I was explaining how Sugar and I are not cut out for subdivision living, I mentioned that we were working on a plot with our old neighbors–the ones we lived next door to for years in the house we loved, before I filled up on pears (decided we should live downtown, within walking distance to restaurants, etc)–to convince the interlopers who bought Barbie’s Dream House that it was in fact haunted, and they must move to satisfy the spirits and whatnot.

Well, I guess it worked. I got a phone call a few days ago from said dear friends next door, who we’ll call Wilson and Sandra, because those are their names. It seems the folks we sold our house to are interested in selling. Now, I have no evidence that Sandra or Wilson either one hid a tape player with a timer in the neighbors’ attic that played “GET OOUUTTT” at 3:15 a.m. every morning, so we’ll say no more about it.

Sugar and I have an appointment to see our old home and discuss details on Saturday morning. Right now, I so long to drive into OUR driveway when we get home from Indiana and be home again. Of course, there’s the detail of selling the subdivision house…

But saying yes to Barbie’s Dream House will mean saying no to some other things we really want to do. It will need new windows soon (two vacations we won’t be able to take). And Sugar wants to replace the paneling in the den with sheet-rock. The master bath needs updating… Already we have a list of projects we’re excitedly considering. The budget for all those projects would eat up a lot of travel.

And the time spent on all these projects could be spent enjoying family, volunteering, or taking up crop circle interpretation.

That house is special to us. We have so many wonderful memories there. It’s home. But saying yes to it will mean making choices. It will mean fewer date nights out, fewer vacations, and less time and money for a long list of things we enjoy.

But I suspect if we can come to an agreement with the very nice folks who bought it, we will buy our home back. We’ll eat the peaches with the juice dripping on our hands, having learned that pears are nice, but you simply can’t eat all the fruit in the basket. You must choose.

And there’s no place like home. (Clicking my heels together…)

Peace, out…

Susan

In Which Sugar Hatches a Devious Plot

in Family

I am a book lover. We have many, many books in our home, and shelves measured in miles, not feet. I have on many occasions proclaimed to family, friends, and random strangers that I will NEVER own an e-reader, because I love the feel of a book in my hands, the smell of paper, the flap copy, for heaven’s sake!

Sugar has always nodded like he understood, and never once argued the point. He had no dog in that fight.

But then I mentioned how we needed another set of bookshelves, perhaps a row in the not-yet-completed family room downstairs. I’m working my way through my to-be-read stack (which has its own bookshelf), and as I add books to existing home-library shelves, they are becoming overstuffed. I don’t have room to work in more books by my favorite authors. Clearly, action must be taken.

But Sugar’s vision for the downstairs room is more “Jimbo’s Tiki Bar” than family room. He did not welcome the suggestion that yet more bookcases might be part of the decor. Still, he didn’t press the point.

Now, next to my books, Sugar knows I love my iPhone. He’s a smart man, and one day he comes home from a company meeting with an iPad. I don’t doubt his story that this is business equipment, necessary for presentations, etc. BUT, I’ll say this: He’s been waving that thing under my nose every chance he gets, showing me one cool app after another.

Then, he started downloading books. He’s already got most of Lee Child’s Jack Reacher series on that gadget. “Look, it’s back-lit,” he says. “I don’t even need a book light.”

For the first few days he had it, he’d demonstrate the fabulosity of the toy, but wouldn’t let me play with it. When he had me in a mad frenzy to try it out, he let me read a few pages. Okay, it had me at “browse, download, read.” I love books, but I’m an instant gratification junkie.

Thinking I would have to talk him into this pricey new toy, I casually said, “You better stop showing that thing off, or you’ll have to buy me one.”

Here’s where he made his mistake. He didn’t protest quite enough. He worked up a weak, “We’ll have to see about that.”

And I knew. I looked at my true love square in the eyes and saw the truth. He had done the math. The iPad was less expensive than more bookshelves. And it would not interfere with his plans for a man cave downstairs.

I have been had. But, hey, I’m getting a new toy. Everybody’s happy at Chez Boyer.

Peace, out…

Susan

Things I Learned on the Road Trip

in Family, Road Trip

Here are a few things I learned on our recent odyssey:

  1. My mom will dance on Beale Street (literally ON the street–she would not go into the clubs) and have her picture made with the large rooster outside The Red Rooster bar. This caused my reality to bend a little.
  2. The Mississippi River isn’t all that wide in Memphis. I’ve always imagined it as a mile-wide river the whole length of the thing, but it’s not. It’s a mile wide in places.Someplace in Minnesota it’s nearly 11 miles wide, but in spots, it’s only about 20 feet wide! I’m sure I must have learned this in school, but so much has fallen out of my brain over the years. I’ve flown over the Mississippi many times, but had never seen it from the ground. Crossing it in Memphis and again in St. Louis on the way back was very cool.
  3. Graceland isn’t as large as you might think. (My dad had to go there.)
  4. Oklahoma City is quite lovely. I’d picture all of Oklahoma like the black-and-white parts of Kansas from The Wizard of Oz. (We were in Oklahoma City the day of the flooding, and that was scary. We nearly had to swim out.
  5. We visited 18 states in three weeks. Every one of them was beautiful, and watching the landscape change gradually from mountain to plains to desert and back to mountains is fascinating. I thought I would sleep in the car, as we drove about 8 hours every day on the way to California and back. I never closed my eyes.

More later. I learned a lot on this trip. I’ll never forget it, both for all the beautiful country we saw, and for the gift of three uninterrupted weeks spent with Jim. This was the most consecutive time we’ve seen each other in the errr… some years we’ve been married. It was wonderful.

Also a very special gift was spending the time with my parents while they are still young and active and loving life. Here’s to you, Wayne and Claudette!

Peace, out…

Susan

The Mother of All Road Trips

in Family, Road Trip

The Husband, (aka Jim, aka Sugar) and I just got home late Saturday from a three-week road trip from our home in Greenville, SC to San Francisco, then Napa. We took my parents. For their 50th wedding anniversary. (Note: Yes, they had me VERY late in life. I was a miracle baby, in fact.)

I’d told Mom and Dad not to worry about how much they packed–“take whatever you need,” I said. They took me at my word. I myself am not a light packer, and I think it’s safe to say that the result was that we hauled more stuff to California than your average family moving west in a wagon train.

So, it took a while to pack and unpack all that stuff, and I’ve been unplugged for a while. I’m catching up on email and laundry. Planning to drag myself in to Jazzercise today so The Queen of Pain can start working some of what I ate off my derriere.

Trip highlights are too may to count, but coming soon.

And, my dad was well behaved. He didn’t show his tongue to a single soul, though he looked at it in the visor mirror a lot when he was riding up front.

Peace, out…

Susan

The Number One Reason I’ve Had No Time to Blog

in Evidence of My Insanity, Family, Road Trip, Uncategorized

Things have been intense lately. I’ve been traveling almost non-stop. Here are a few highlights from the road:

  • Last visit to Indiana, while we were on a side trip to Amish country for pickles, the police raided our hotel. They brought the drug dogs and everything. Seems one of the locals had rented a hotel room to hang out at the pool and smoke some weed. Someone must have reported the smell. This was big news here, as we’re in a very wholesome, family-oriented part of Indiana .
  • Last trip to Jasper, AL, we NARROWLY missed an F-3 tornado, which formed virtually on top of us, then moved on to the next county where it did a lot of damage. I love Jasper, but I am SO not going back there in spring or summer. The Husband has strict instructions he can only work there in fall and winter.
  • On a happy note, the hotel in Jasper now has a Belgian waffle maker. The Queen of Pain now has a few waffles to work off of me when I get home.
  • I made a quick trip home to Faith, where I spent most of an entire day chauffeuring my dad (who is young and perfectly able to drive himself) to various doctor’s offices so he could talk to the poor receptionists and nurses about this curious coating on his tongue and throat. Now, most folks will call and make an appointment to see the doctor. Not my daddy. He doesn’t like dealing with the automated answering machines that require him to press one to make an appointment, et cetera. He just drops in. To his credit, this has proven to be effective in that these nurses will do ANYTHING to get him to stop showing them his tongue. I can relate, which explains why I was driving him on this fool’s errand.

As exciting as all of this is, the number one reason I’ve had no time to blog is that I’ve been busy lurking over at Do the Write Thing for Nashville where I’ve been busy plotting my strategy for scoring some of the goodies.

I had my heart set on the manuscript consultation by none other than Janet Reid. I’ve had a little ebay experience, so I strategized waiting until the very last minute and placing one bid–but WAY before midnight last night the bidding got too rich for my bank account.

Then, I set my sights on five days at Kari Lynn Dell’s ranch in Montana–only to be quickly left in the bidding dust. This one is still open, and a bargain for anyone who has ever wanted to go to Montana. I think the bidding closes at midnight tonight.

I hear that tomorrow Barbara Poelle and Holly Root have a combo meeting at RWA or BEA going on the block. I’m glued to my PC. but I have a sinking feeling this one will go for big bucks as well.

Y’all check it out–there’s a lot of great stuff being auctioned for a great cause!

Peace, out…

Susan

Newsletter Sign Up