Precariously Perky Julie Archives

In Which I Cancel My Jazzercise Membership–Again

August 9, 2010 in Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie, The Queen of Pain

Every few months I realize that I’m not home enough to make regular Jazzercise participation a reality. It’s more like something I really want to do, and so, in one of my alternate realities, I Jazzercise daily. Here in the real world my attendance is not so regular. But the draft to my checking account is.

So, every now and then I go in and fill out a form to cancel my draft. Precariously Perky Julie (who owns the place) is no dummy. You can’t cancel by civilized method like email or phone. You have to go there and fill out a form. Which makes you think, “Well, if I can drag myself in there to fill out the stupid form, maybe I should just put on my dancing clothes and go dance.” I have done this several times.

Every time I go through with the cancellation, I email Jules a day or three later and say, “Never mind.” Because every time I cancel, my schedule shifts (because Sugar’s does) and I end up being at home because I don’t typically go with him on a trip if he’s flying. Precariously Perky Julie WILL allow you to cancel your cancellation via phone, email, smoke-signal–whatever. Like I said, she’s no dummy.

Today is August 9th. We are 221 days into 2010, and I have MAYBE been to 15 Jazzercise classes. I’m thinking I need to come up with an exercise plan I can actually execute. I’ve decided to make an iPod playlist and dance in the family room–just do random Jazzercise moves I’ve learned over the years plus whatever the music moves me to do. I think I’ll call this Spazzercise. If I’m out of town, I can Spazzercise in the hotel room.

Since I’ve already paid for August, I’ll go dance with the Queen of Pain today. That way, I won’t have to have the argument with myself about whether or not I should just go (because I can today) or cancel. I’ll do both.

I’ll let you know how long it lasts this time.

Peace, out…

Susan

Valentine’s Day

February 15, 2010 in Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie

Last year around this time, Precariously Perky Julie devised a particularly brutal Jazzercise set. It was full of what my husband refers to as “Man-Hater” songs. Songs with lots of punching and kicking to lyrics like “Why’d you lie to me…good for nothing type of brother” (Anastacia) and “I’m not in love” (not the original by 10 CC but a remake).

The Queen of Pain used to have sets like this back during the unfortunate phase between He Whose Name Cannot be Uttered and when she found her True Love.

PPJ roared and foamed at the mouth while teaching this set. At the time, I thought we really needed to find poor PPJ a man because we were all paying the price for what the last one had done–she like to put me in traction. I started to blog about it, but, then I thought, the poor girl is obviously upset about a recent breakup, so I didn’t.

Fast forward to this year’s Valentine’s Day set. Same songs. Same growling. Same pain. At one pint, she shouted, “Angry hips!” WTF? I allowed as how this set seemed familiar, and I asked her, “Jules, are you mad at the same man from last year, or is this a new one?”

“ALL MEN!” she howled.

Hmm… this explains it. Women who look like Julie are without a man for one of three reasons: One, their romantic interests are not of the masculine variety (pretty sure that’s not the case here); Two, they have some sort of screw loose, and no matter how gorgeous they are, they keep running men off (you know, women who boil rabbits and such–again, not the case–PPJ is a sweetheart when she’s not kicking our rear ends); or, Three, some jackass has put them off men for good. They simply have decided they do not want another man, have adopted multiple cats, and watch a lot of reality TV.

This is our Julie.

This situation is not irreversible, but it requires a special man to repair the damage done to a woman’s psyche after she has been jackassed. I’m thinking that the clientele of Jazzercise of Taylors should perhaps mount a search before next Valentine’s Day. And, round up a posse to hunt down whoever did this to PPJ. We are paying for his jackassery.

Time for my aspirin…

Top Ten Motivational Tidbits I Heard at Jazzercise Today

November 17, 2009 in Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie

So, I drug myself into Jazzercise today. This was a challenge, as by nature I am a lethargic sort. I like to dance (once I’m there). But I was home. I had books, food, wine–no pulsating need to go out. Not to mention I had work to do. My main character woke me up at 3 a.m. pitching a huge fit about wanting to ride a jet ski. I digress.

Precariously Perky Julie was onstage. The workout came complete with lots of Russian ballet moves–or possibly curse words–and her favorite, dramatic final poses. Maybe it was my imagination, but PPJ seemed a bit tense. Her words of wisdom and inspiration from the stage were very nearly worthy of The Queen of Pain. Here’s what PPJ had to allow (minus the stuff in Russian):

10. You haven’t heard this song? You’re not hip, (This from the girl who included King of the Road in her set. Not that I have anything against Roger Miller, or songs written in 1965. I’m just saying.)
9. And here we’ll just let our abs hang out. Not! Suck those in.
8. I’ve got my eye on you.
7. I hate to burst your ball-bubble, but we’re not sitting on those balls.
6. No extraneous shaking. (Seriously, if we could pull that off would we need her?)
5. The shirts for the Christmas parade come in a generous fit. (I’m buying a shirt, but I marched in my last parade in high school.)
4. They hang long.
3. Do not snarl at me during this song. I like it. (It was my trying-not-to-fall-out look. I promise.)
2. Try not to let your legs just come careening down.
1. Engage the muscle–don’t let it flap all over the place. (See #6)

Like a pro, PPJ maintained her perkiness all during class. But I think her sunny disposition may be waning. This, I fear, is my fault. I am a challenge to PPJ. She likes people to smile while they sweat. That is SO not in my nature. I stand right in front of her.

One of those reality shows with dancing comes on tonight. That’ll cheer her up.

Nobody Leaves Here Pretty

November 5, 2009 in Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie, Thoughts on Books Read

The voices in my head are singing Be as You Are by Kenny Chesney

What I’m reading: For Better, For Murder by Lisa Bork

First, the book. I met Lisa at Bouchercon at a Sisters in Crime lunch. She’s a very warm and gracious person, so I was predisposed to like the first book in the Broken Vows series. I would have loved it anyway–she had me when the dead body flopped out of a Ferrari in the showroom on page three.

So, Precariously Perky Julie tried to kill me at Jazzercise today. I think she might have been trying to commit a suicide dance, because at one point I heard her mutter something about a having a coronary herself. She had chocolate over the weekend–Halloween and all, so we had to pay.

PPJ is a sweet spirit. She’s always smiling–bubbling, actually–even as she pushes us ever closer to a synchronized cardiac incident. (She did growl at me one day last week because I wasn’t sweating enough, but that’s unusual.)

But PPJ has the soul of a dancer. She knows all the real ballet names for the moves we do–in some foreign ballet language. Maybe Russian. Anyway, she’s serious about her dancing. She always picks the songs with the most intricate footwork for her sets. The ones where you change what you’re doing every four beats.

None of that dancing on autopilot while I zone out and dream of Mega Moo Mocha Moolattes. No. I have to PAY ATTENTION. I have to listen to her cuing. This is stressful.

She is also serious about the sweating. Today, someone in the back wasn’t disheveled enough to suit her towards the end of class. That caused her to drop the bubbling and growl. “Hey,” she yelled, “nobody leaves here pretty.” That’s never a problem with me.

I do vex PPJ, though, I think. She seems to hold the opinion that I am sandbagging. She keeps trying to sell me a Polar watch to make sure my heart rate is high enough. There’s an alarm on those things for when your heart rate gets too high. I tried to tell her that fool alarm would be going off all during class, on account of I’m always in the blue on the perceived exertion chart–that’s the border color across the top, just above the maximum exertion before passing out.

Do you know what she said? “Oh, we’ll just turn that off. That’s what I did with mine.” It’s nice to know she cares.

The rumor is the Queen of Pain will soon be back from her Alien Birthing Ritual–actually, it’s not a rumor, she told me that herself. It was either a warning or a threat, I’m not sure which.

Meanwhile, I continue to test Precariously Perky Julie’s sunny disposition in my quest to become less VOLUPTUOUS while not needing EMTs to cart me out of there on a stretcher.

Peace, out…

Susan

Just One of the Many Reasons Why I Love My iPhone

September 17, 2009 in Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie

The voices in my head are singing These Days, by Jackson Browne

What I’m reading: Smash Cut by Sandra Brown

When they first came out with text messaging I said, “That’s like going back to the telegraph days. Why would I want to do that?”

When they added cameras to phones, I said, “I like my technology simple. Give me a phone that’s just a phone, for crying out loud.”

When they added email, I said, “Why in Sam Hill would I want my email on my phone, and who can read stuff that small anyway?”

When they came out with the iPhone, I forgot all of that idiocy and sprinted into the twenty-first century. It’s all about the music.

But, I have embraced all the other features as well. That camera comes in handy. For example, imagine how long it would have taken me to describe what we did in Jazzercise today:

This is Precariously Perky Julie demonstrating part of today’s ab routine. “Make sure your head is comfortably supported by the ball,” she said.

Clearly, she is insane. In what universe is anything about that move comfortable?

And this was just the starting position…imagine striking this torture pose, then doing crunches, and (yes, we used the hand weights) pec flys…

Appropriately, this routine is set to Dream Big, by Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband.

Believe it or not, I did this. It might not have LOOKED exactly like the picture… probably Julie bit a hole in the side of her cheek to keep from laughing.

But I did it.

The Queen of Pain is finishing up another Alien Birthing Ritual, and will be out for a few more weeks. Meanwhile, I’m entertaining myself by testing Julie’s sunny disposition… Bless her perky little heart.

Peace, out…

Susan

Suicide by Grammy

February 4, 2009 in Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie

Okay, so, I KNOW better than to go to Precariously Perky Julie’s class. We’ve covered this, right? I planned ahead to go see The Caring and Nurturing One at 4:30. But then I lost track of time. Nothing to do but show up for Julie’s class, knowing full well this was suicide. Lest you think I exaggerate, at one point during the class she pipes up with, “Those of you who are grabbing your heart, please make sure it’s still beating.”

Julie likes themed sets. Today’s theme was the upcoming Grammy awards. All of the songs we danced to are nominated for a Grammy. All I can say is that the music industry appears to be experiencing an up-tempo trend. Julie was dancing so fast I couldn’t see her feet move. But, she looked good doing it. I feel sure that the moves didn’t look the same from the stage. I was on the front row. Honestly, I don’t know how she kept a straight face.

There was one slow song–the very last one. It was a stretch/core muscle routine to Gravity by John Mayer. Nothing could have been more appropriate. Standing on one foot while contorting my body, using a hand weight to work my arms, and remembering to point my toes and “make it look pretty” challenged the law of gravity…and reason.

Julie has these pre-printed “Valentines Day wish cards” for us to give our significant others so instead of flowers (which will die) and candy (which will make us fat) our loved ones can get us a gadget that looks like a watch but monitors your heart rate and counts calories burned. If they make a model that has an alarm for when you’re about to pass out, I might could use one.

Peace, out…

Susan

I Feel Skinny Already

May 2, 2006 in Uncategorized

Thanks to Casey’s little green book–in which every morsel that passed my lips in the last week has been recorded–and, of course her Personal Touch torture sessions which should seriously be considered for interrogating terrorists, I have lost 1.8 pounds in one week. Yippee!!
This in spite of the fact that I ate like a pig at the trough at a dinner party Saturday night. The day I turn down homemade cheesecake and strawberries dipped in chocolate is the day you will know I have been kidnapped and replaced by a clone. It just isn’t going to happen. But apparently, I was careful enough the rest of the week that I still lost a little, even if I didn’t reach my goal of losing ten pounds the first week.
The last week hasn’t been a good one for writing. Too much static in my life. Also, I am trying–with limited success–to get my body to accept 5:45 Jazzercise. This means getting up at 5am, which would be okay if I could get to sleep by 9pm, but that’s not likely. So, I’ve been operating on 5 – 6 hours of sleep which makes me fuzzy headed and not very creative. If my brain function doesn’t stabilize this week, I’m going back to 9:20 classes.
Someone suggested that I should take one of Julie’s classes, so I could blog her. Let me tell you, back in the days when I first started going to Jazzercise–over at the Faux Greer center–I took hundreds of Julie’s classes. And actually, I have taken a few more recently in Taylors. Julie is a breed apart. Julie is hazardously perky. If the energy behind her Jazzercise routines could be harnessed and used to power cars, we would be forever free from middle eastern oil.
The danger, to the average Jazzercizer, is that that perkiness is infectious. It causes one to exert more energy than one actually has in the tank, which can lead to passing out. This has only happened to me personally twice. Just kidding. But all that effervescence does induce me to over-exert myself. I’m better off with the mean instructors.
Having given you the scoop on Julie, that only leaves me with two un-blogged instructors at the Taylors Jazzercise Center: Donna and Jenny.
Donna is Wendy’s sister, and I’ve only taken a couple of her classes. She usually teaches at 4:30. She gets teachers after school’s out. Most of these ladies, as you might imagine, have frustrations to work off. But Donna is the most serene of all the instructors. This defies logic since she is a school teacher herself.
Jenny is the newest of the instructors. She is one of those young women about whom people say things like, “She’s just so sweet,” and “Isn’t she just the cutest thing!” Both of these things are true, but more relevant is this: she’s Casey’s sister-in-law, and is being trained by the Queen of Pain herself. Just wait. Remember what happened to sweet little Michelle when they gave her a microphone. It’s only a matter of time before Jenny-the-cutest-little-thing morphs into Jenny-the-Jazzer-Nazi.
On a more sober note, it’s been 27 days since my last Mega Moo Mocha Moolatte. Having discovered that there are 884 calories in one of these divine dairy and caffeine concoctions I have sworn them off. I resigned myself to ordering Starbucks venti non-fat mochas instead. Then I found out there are 375 calories in one of those. How do they do that? How can coffee and non-fat milk have 375 calories? I think there is a conspiracy afoot to make Americans fat. Extra calories (probably in the form of lard) are being stirred into everything we eat. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

Talk to y’all tomorrow. Meanwhile, beware the lard conspiracy. You never know when your physique is under attack.

Peace, out…