Susan M. Boyer

USA TODAY Bestselling Author
Agatha Award Winner

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Susan M. Boyer

USA TODAY Bestselling Author
Agatha Award Winner

  • Home
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    • Stella Maris Books, LLC
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In Which I Give Thanks to Felix Hoffmann

February 1, 2011 in Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

Felix Hoffmann was a German chemist who, according to the Bayer website, in 1897, invented the first stable compound which would later be introduced as Aspirin. I will be eternally grateful for his efforts.

Yes, I went back to Jazzercise yesterday. Due to a long list of REASONS, (not to be confused with excuses) I haven’t exercised much lately. First there was the NASTY cold of late September and early October, followed closely by the sprained derriere incident of early November, then the holidays…I could go on, but what’s the point, really? Suffice to say, I am even more out of shape than is my custom.

Since Sugar and I recently booked a trip to St. John to celebrate the milestone anniversary (let’s not get into which one, okay?) that we actually passed a couple years back when we were too over-committed to go on that first honeymoon we never took, very soon, I will have to put on a bathing suit.

So, yesterday, I drug myself on over to the dance floor and let The Queen of Pain start whipping me back into some semblance of shape. I nearly missed class because the UPS man was late getting here with our Korbel shipment, and I have to sign for that. Besides, I really didn’t want to leave champagne on the front porch.  But, Brown showed up at the precise moment after which it would have been impossible for me to get to class on time.

I was really worried this time that I wouldn’t be able to make it through a whole class. I told the QOP that I needed to stand in the back, but she would have none of it. “They don’t want to be running over you back there any more than we do,” she said. The woman has no empathy–none, I tell you. Later, it dawned on me that the reason she wanted me up front was that if she had to hop off the stage and perform CPR, she’d have less floor to cover.

By the Grace of the Good Lord, I make it through without a medical incident or fall, and I avoided throwing up on PPJ’s floor. Now I’m popping Aspirin and using the hand-held massager on my major muscle groups. I won’t be going to class today, as my body needs time to recover. But tomorrow I’ve got to haul myself back in there. Casey only has until March 19th to get me Caribbean-ready.

Peace, out…

Susan

Filed Under: Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

In Which I Cancel My Jazzercise Membership–Again

August 9, 2010 in Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie, The Queen of Pain

Every few months I realize that I’m not home enough to make regular Jazzercise participation a reality. It’s more like something I really want to do, and so, in one of my alternate realities, I Jazzercise daily. Here in the real world my attendance is not so regular. But the draft to my checking account is.

So, every now and then I go in and fill out a form to cancel my draft. Precariously Perky Julie (who owns the place) is no dummy. You can’t cancel by civilized method like email or phone. You have to go there and fill out a form. Which makes you think, “Well, if I can drag myself in there to fill out the stupid form, maybe I should just put on my dancing clothes and go dance.” I have done this several times.

Every time I go through with the cancellation, I email Jules a day or three later and say, “Never mind.” Because every time I cancel, my schedule shifts (because Sugar’s does) and I end up being at home because I don’t typically go with him on a trip if he’s flying. Precariously Perky Julie WILL allow you to cancel your cancellation via phone, email, smoke-signal–whatever. Like I said, she’s no dummy.

Today is August 9th. We are 221 days into 2010, and I have MAYBE been to 15 Jazzercise classes. I’m thinking I need to come up with an exercise plan I can actually execute. I’ve decided to make an iPod playlist and dance in the family room–just do random Jazzercise moves I’ve learned over the years plus whatever the music moves me to do. I think I’ll call this Spazzercise. If I’m out of town, I can Spazzercise in the hotel room.

Since I’ve already paid for August, I’ll go dance with the Queen of Pain today. That way, I won’t have to have the argument with myself about whether or not I should just go (because I can today) or cancel. I’ll do both.

I’ll let you know how long it lasts this time.

Peace, out…

Susan

Filed Under: Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Jazzercise, Precariously Perky Julie, The Queen of Pain

Somebody Gets It

April 8, 2010 in Diets and Other Torture, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain, Vast Fat-Wing Conspiracy

I accidentally turned on Dr. Phil yesterday. Nothing against Dr. Phil, I’m sure he’s a great guy and all, but I  don’t do daytime TV. But, I’d stayed up far too late reading, slept in, and, as is my custom, I flipped on the TV while I had breakfast. I was outside my usual time slot for breakfast. Typically the news is on. That’s a whole nother rant.

I was fumbling–pre-coffee, mind you–with the remote, trying to turn the channel, when I heard this guy say, “I tried that low-carb diet. I snapped.”

He had my attention. I have SO been there. Several times, in fact.

I squinted at the sign for the day’s episode. “The Ultimate Fat Debate.”

Oh. Dear. Tara.

They had my attention.

The guy who was undone by the low carb diet turned out to be a comedian, John Pinette. This guy is FUNNY, and he is so after my own heart. Talking about his personal trainer he says, “I don’t do ups. Sit ups, push-ups, chin-ups… I do downs. I can sit down, lie down…gimme a cheeseburger, I”ll wolf it down…” Some of his clips are available online. In another clip from this routine, he says, (as I have often maintained to The Queen of Pain herself) “Ups defy gravity. Gravity is a law, and I obey the law.”

Aside from the comedian, Dr. Phil had a panel, and I gotta say, they weren’t nearly as entertaining. Although, there were a few places where I thought they were going to go all Jerry Springer. That trainer chick from The Biggest Loser, was on, along with some guy with a shirt that said “No Chubbies.” They were squaring off against a group of VOLUPTOUS women from groups like The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. These women were (justifiably) NOT HAPPY with the chap in the “No Chubbies” shirt. I couldn’t look away.

But, I did hie me to Jazzercise yesterday, and defied gravity one more time.

Peace, out…

Susan

Filed Under: Diets and Other Torture, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain, Vast Fat-Wing Conspiracy Tagged With: Diets and Other Torture, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain, Vast Fat-Wing Conspiracy

Home Sweet Home

February 9, 2010 in Jazzercise, Road Trip, The Queen of Pain

Okay, so I wasn’t thrilled about coming home (where I have to make my own bed, breakfast, and afternoon cookies) but now that we’re here, I’m warming up to the place.

No matter how nice the folks are everywhere else, OUR PEOPLE are here. Some of them, anyway. Our family’s a little scattered, but there’s a clan of our relatives and friends in Greenville, and I do miss them when we’re gone.

Also, hotel beds have come a long way, but none of them is quite like the one in our room at home.

And, while hotels have treadmills, elliptical machines, stationary bikes, and indoor pools, at home, I can go to Jazzercise and dance while being mocked by an insanely thin ALIEN. As I’ve mentioned a time or two, The Queen of Pain is gorgeous (but once again completely flat-chested now that she’s finished the final phase of her most recent birthing ritual–no more shimmying in her class–BLESS HER HEART). But, I think she’d be a little less cranky if she ate something besides salads and grilled chicken with steamed vegetables every day. You just know she’s NEVER had a Mega Moo Mocha Moo Latte.

I want credit towards my 100 club T-shirt–which now takes 150 classes to earn–for all that huffing and puffing I did on treadmills, etc., but the Queen of Pain is having none of it. This is patently unfair, as I can’t attend class while out of town, but have been working our regularly–okay, semi-regularly. I think I’ll appeal this ruling to Precariously Perky Julie. I’m not holding my breath…

Off to take some aspirin and soak in the tub.

It’s good to be home.
  

Filed Under: Jazzercise, Road Trip, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Jazzercise, Road Trip, The Queen of Pain

Return of The Queen of Pain

December 8, 2009 in Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

She’s baaack. Actually, she came back last week, but I had a very good REASON for not showing up on Wednesday. I had a migraine–weather changes, etc. I CANNOT exercise after taking a Relpax. I can’t drive after taking a Relpax, but that’s a whole nother story.

The Queen of Pain is back onstage at Jazzercise of Taylors, and every muscle in my body is aware. We got an early start on my New Year’s resolution today. She thinks (and I know this because she made a smartass comment during class–while wearing the mic) that I will abandon my early NYR by Wednesday. That sounds about right. On the other hand, I might stick with it just for the novelty. I have a vague memory of what being thin felt like. Seems like I was hungry a lot…

QOP quote of the day: “Breathe through your noses. Those aren’t just for piercing.” I guess thirty women gasping for breath and clutching various body parts is unattractive.

In other Jazzercise news, the group that marched/danced in the Greenville Christmas parade won some sort of award–best dance troupe or some such. I did not participate–I’ve done the parade thing, back in high school. Only we didn’t shimmy.

Look, I’m not saying that pole-dancing moves got them the award, but I did hear that they were PRET-TY theatrical when they pranced past the judges’ stand.

I’m just saying…

Off to pop some aspirin and soak in the Jacuzzi…

Filed Under: Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

On the Road Again

June 17, 2009 in Jazzercise, Road Trip, The Queen of Pain

The voices in my head are singing My Baby Don’t Tolerate, by Lyle Lovett

What I’m reading: Relentless by Dean Koontz

Predictably, I had to rush right out and buy the new Dean Koontz novel (along with the new Michael Connelly, which is next up). Koontz didn’t disappoint. Like most of his books, Relentless will be a Shelfari favorite. I just wish these guys could write faster.

And hey, Carl Hiaasen, I’d really like a new adult novel, please. I know your young adult books are fabulous, and the non-fiction golf thing is brilliant, but I’m neither a young adult nor a golfer. Please pull a few hilariously demented characters out of your head and get them on paper. Lickety-split.

This week I’m in Warsaw, Indiana, with Jim. Business trip for him, writer’s retreat for me. Hotel rooms, I may have said before, are the absolute best places for me to write. I can’t clean my house, run errands, do laundry, run out and have lunch with a friend, or any one of a hundred other things that pop up that keep me from putting words on the page.

Or go to Jazzercise, which is the one other thing I need to be doing. In anticipation of this problem, however, I ordered three Jazzercise DVDs, reasoning that I could dance in a hotel room, right?

Well, not so much, really.

I started with Street Jazz! I’m always hassling Casey for some funk in her sets, so I picked this one first. The tag line specifically promises “street jam movements using a combination of jazz dance, hip hop, and funk.”

I had NO idea how much your average Jazzercise instructor has to dummy this stuff down for ex-majorettes, cheerleaders, and drill team members across the country. I have a new appreciation for the Queen of Pain and all the other aliens who translate the moves that look like an MTV video played in fast forward into something the rest of us can attempt.

If I play the DVD in slow motion, I can maybe learn a section a day. I’m trying, anyway.

The other thing I hadn’t figured on was that in class, while Casey has to look at what I’m doing and not double over laughing (too often), in a hotel room, I have to watch myself. There’s a big mirror. This is so not pretty.

Anyway, I’m writing, and I’m dancing. (Well, I’m moving to music, and in some cultures, I’m sure what I’m doing is called dancing.)

All is right with the world.

Peace, out…

Susan

Filed Under: Jazzercise, Road Trip, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Jazzercise, Road Trip, The Queen of Pain

Defying the Laws of Physics…Yet Again (Y’all REALLY Won’t Believe This)

February 5, 2009 in Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

The voices in my head are singing Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight by Amos Lee

What I’m Reading: Winter’s Child, by Margaret Maron

One of the most heinous tricks in the Jazzercise manual is where they take a perfectly good song, like Mary J. Blige’s Family Affair, and make you perform unnatural acts to it. The Queen of Pain currently has Family Affair in her set.

Visualize yourself doing this: Put on some ankle weights–about 4-5 pounds on each ankle will do. Get down on your hands and knees. Now, stick a leg straight out (either one, cause you’ll switch back and forth). Move your leg from the hip, and tap your toe out to the side, then straighten, lift, point, lower and repeat. Do this 5,000 times.

Now, with your leg still behind you, do PUSH-UPS while curling your leg toward the ceiling–yep–one of the two with a weight on it. Repeat, switch, etc. for FOUR MINUTES AND TWENTY-SIX seconds. Trust me, it will seem more like four hours. Try it.

On Monday, when I heard the opening beats of Family Affair, I reminded the QOP right off that A) my ankle weights have been mislaid, and B) I DON’T DO PUSH-UPS on account of the built in weights I sport on my chest make it impossible, from the whole gravity and physics perspective. She growled that I could do SOME of them, so I did. Three, I think. It was exhausting.

Yesterday, when the music started, she growled at me that I was going to do ALL FORTY-EIGHT push-ups. I laughed out loud. If she had asked me to run around the ceiling I would have taken her as seriously. I pointed out the obvious, and reminded her that she well knew this was not workable.

“Shut up and do them,” she said. “All of them.”

Here’s the part y’all won’t believe: I did.

Here’s what I learned at Jazzercise yesterday. Sometimes you should just shut up and do it.

At the beginning of class she asked me what I’d been doing all day. “Editing,” I said.

This was true–sort of–in a metaphorical kind of way. What I had been editing (or trying to edit) were my career goals. I’ve been rewriting the same novel for several years, trying to get the first one just right. (As I understand it, some writers put their first book or three in a drawer never to see the light of day and publish their second or fourth novel, and others write the same novel many times until they have it right. I’ve always thought of myself as being in the latter group.)

It’s REALLY difficult to get a first novel sold in a good economy. When the economy is tight, well, it just gets harder. So, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I want to do something else–anything else. I have had zero luck with this. I am a writer. I need to write. I need to publish what I write, because, as Leonard Pitts allows, “…a writer without readers is like shouting in an empty room.” That’s where you get your loons, and Lord knows, I teeter precariously on that brink to begin with.

So today, I will just shut up and do it.

Everything you need to know about life you can learn at Jazzercise…

Well, okay, maybe not, but you can learn to pole dance (which is a good backup career plan–it’s recession proof) and you get an occasional kernel of philosophy.

Peace, out…

Susan

Filed Under: Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

Cramming

January 29, 2009 in Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

The voices in my head are singing Keep Me in Your Heart by Warren Zevon.

What I’m reading: Your Heart Belongs to Me by Dean Koontz

I came across a quote today that really struck a chord with me:

“If you stuff yourself full of poems, essays, plays, stories, novels, films, comic strips, magazines, music, you automatically explode every morning like Old Faithful. I have never had a dry spell in my life, mainly because I feed myself well, to the point of bursting. I wake up early and hear my morning voices leaping around in my head like jumping beans. I get out of bed to trap them before they escape.” Ray Bradbury

I think for too long I’ve been starving myself, always being afraid to read too much while I was writing. I had the idea it would mess with my voice. Don’t get me wrong, I devour fiction. But I’ve been in the habit of stockpiling books and waiting until I’m in an editing cycle before I read them.

I’ve officially abandoned that policy, and am going to gorge myself daily with everything imaginable. I’m hoping my morning voices will wake me and haul me out of bed to capture all their insanity. Right now I’m engrossed in Dean Koontz’s latest. He’s one of my three or four favorite authors of all time. Who are the others? Okay, I have eclectic reading tastes. In no particular order, I also get email alerts from Barnes and Noble when Carl Hiaasen, Sandra Brown, or Michael Connelly has a new book coming out. I also love John D. McDonald’s Travis McGee series.

Did I dance today? Well yes, I did. I have several sore muscles for my efforts, although, I have to say, I’m not particularly fond of the set the Queen of Pain is currently using. With one or two exceptions, the songs don’t speak to me. This is unusual, as typically I really like her music.

Note: If I were the alien on the stage, I’d pick the songs I liked, not some whiny, VOLUPTUOUS woman who shows up erratically.

But I have discovered that not liking the music is not necessarily a bad thing. When the music moves me, I forget my sore muscles, and what a spectacle I’m likely making of myself, and shake shake shake my…well, you get the idea. This is a much more exhausting workout. When I don’t like the music as much, I don’t push myself. It’s not a conscious decision, it’s just the way it works out.

It’s actually a good thing that she doesn’t have my favorites in. I might hurt myself. I need to work up to the funk.

Peace, out…

Susan

Filed Under: Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

So Much is Explained

January 27, 2009 in Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

With all the financial news, folks getting sworn in, and Brittney’s latest lyric scandal, y’all might have missed the most important item in the news today.

There is a VIRUS that causes folks to be fat, and it’s HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS!! You can catch it from someone in the office, on a plane, or in the mall. If you have cold symptoms, YOU may have this adenovirus. I am not making this up, and I did not hear about it in a forwarded email. It was on the news.

I tried to explain this to Casey (the Queen of Pain) today at Jazzercise, but she would have none of it. My first day back, and she had me doing pushups. I have explained to her on NUMEROUS occasions why it defies the law of gravity for VOLUPTOUS women to do push-ups, but she didn’t want to hear about this either.

She may have been distracted by all the excitement at Jazzercise Fitness Center today. January is like Christmas for anyone selling skinny. They have a new program–their version of “The Biggest Loser.” There are cash prizes involved, so I’m thinking I might sign up. They were selling this hard today. They also had balloons, drawings for prizes, and–get this–PASTRIES. What is up with that? It’s like they were trying to pork us up as big as possible so all the pounds they sweat off us will be more dramatic. These aliens are sneaky. Anyone who doesn’t understand that Jazzercise instructors are mostly aliens, please read this.

They were also having one of those of those, “haul your friends in here and blackmail them with whatever you’ve got on them until they sign up and we’ll give you a T-shirt” deals. Hazardously- perky Julie (who owns the place) was behind the desk practically percolating with enthusiasm over all the exciting ways they want to torture us into smaller sizes this year.

I sure hope this cold I’m getting over isn’t that fat virus. I could have infected a lot of people today… This could be really bad. All those women in there eating pastries and getting the fat virus… Umm, umm, ummm. They sure are going to be mad if that virus keeps them from getting skinny after all that pain and sweat.

Peace, out…

Susan

Filed Under: Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

The Leading Cause of Brain Crud

January 15, 2009 in Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

The voices in my head are singing Where’s the Love Y’all, by the Black Eyed Peas.

What I’m reading: A Deadly Shade of Gold, by John D. MacDonald.

The Queen of Pain accused me this morning of suffering from Brain Crud, in response to my plea for sympathy on account of having the head and chest crud for eight weeks. Now, setting aside her complete and utter lack of sympathy, she has a point. I feel like I need to take one of those things the dentist uses to clean your teeth and scrape off all the nooks and crannies of my gray matter.

At first I thought it was just a holiday, family/mall/carb-overload hangover, but I now suspect it’s something far more insidious. I have television poisoning.

I typically don’t watch much TV–just a few favorite shows: Boston Legal (which won’t be a problem anymore as its last episode aired before Christmas), Monk, The Closer, Saving Grace, and more recently, Leverage, the new Timothy Hutton series. But over the holidays, I fall into bad habits.

It starts with watching a few holiday movies on the Hallmark channel with my mother. Nothing gets you into the holiday spirit quite like heartwarming romantic holiday fluff. Then, there are all those bowl games, and playoff games. Left to my own devices I wouldn’t watch much of that, but most of the family-and-friend pool like it, so we watch.

Before long, I have a customary place on the sofa that calls to me as soon as the dinner dishes are in the dishwasher. I start CHANNEL SURFING–looking for something to watch. I become far less discriminating, although, let me say right here that if I ever type the words, “I finally broke down and watched an episode of American Idol,” somebody just call up the nervous hospital and have them send a padded wagon.

Disclaimer: I mean no slight, aspersion, or snark to anyone who enjoys “Reality TV.” I just personally don’t care for it at all. I’m convinced it’s a vast Hollywood conspiracy to inflate profits. I like my escapism with a plot…you know, something that involves writers, some reasonably talented actors, and a set. I digress.

It’s not the shows that are really the issue, though I typically spend my leisure hours with my first love, books. It’s the commercials. Oh. Dear. Tara.

It’s so bad, that when a decent commercial comes on, I actually remark on how well it was done. This happens about once a week. The prescription drug ads are awful, but the really, really bad commercials–the ones that cause the maximum buildup of Brain Crud are the ones that include the words, “But WAIT!” You know the ones I’m talking about… the ads for things like Mighty Putty, Hairagami, and those plastic clips you put on your bra straps that guarantee to make you a cup size bigger and improve your posture. I’m also sick of seeing celebrities try to convince us that they lost 40 pounds eating Nutri System, or Jenny Craig food, or by drinking a bunch of Acai Berry Juice. Please, those people have a team of personal trainers and a kitchen staff to help them get skinny.

Now that I’ve figured out what caused the brain crud, it’s easy to fix. It’s not difficult AT ALL to turn off the TV once you realize you’ve fallen victim. If only all my unhealthy habits were cured as easy as picking up a remote and pressing “Off.”

Peace, out…

Susan

Filed Under: Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain Tagged With: Blather and Profound Notions, Jazzercise, The Queen of Pain

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