With all the financial news, folks getting sworn in, and Brittney’s latest lyric scandal, y’all might have missed the most important item in the news today.
There is a VIRUS that causes folks to be fat, and it’s HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS!! You can catch it from someone in the office, on a plane, or in the mall. If you have cold symptoms, YOU may have this adenovirus. I am not making this up, and I did not hear about it in a forwarded email. It was on the news.
I tried to explain this to Casey (the Queen of Pain) today at Jazzercise, but she would have none of it. My first day back, and she had me doing pushups. I have explained to her on NUMEROUS occasions why it defies the law of gravity for VOLUPTOUS women to do push-ups, but she didn’t want to hear about this either.
She may have been distracted by all the excitement at Jazzercise Fitness Center today. January is like Christmas for anyone selling skinny. They have a new program–their version of “The Biggest Loser.” There are cash prizes involved, so I’m thinking I might sign up. They were selling this hard today. They also had balloons, drawings for prizes, and–get this–PASTRIES. What is up with that? It’s like they were trying to pork us up as big as possible so all the pounds they sweat off us will be more dramatic. These aliens are sneaky. Anyone who doesn’t understand that Jazzercise instructors are mostly aliens, please read this.
They were also having one of those of those, “haul your friends in here and blackmail them with whatever you’ve got on them until they sign up and we’ll give you a T-shirt” deals. Hazardously- perky Julie (who owns the place) was behind the desk practically percolating with enthusiasm over all the exciting ways they want to torture us into smaller sizes this year.
I sure hope this cold I’m getting over isn’t that fat virus. I could have infected a lot of people today… This could be really bad. All those women in there eating pastries and getting the fat virus… Umm, umm, ummm. They sure are going to be mad if that virus keeps them from getting skinny after all that pain and sweat.