Vast Fat-Wing Conspiracy Archives

I accidentally turned on Dr. Phil yesterday. Nothing against Dr. Phil, I’m sure he’s a great guy and all, but I don’t do daytime TV. But, I’d stayed up far too late reading, slept in, and, as is my custom, I flipped on the TV while I had breakfast. I was outside my usual time slot for breakfast. Typically the news is on. That’s a whole nother rant.

I was fumbling–pre-coffee, mind you–with the remote, trying to turn the channel, when I heard this guy say, “I tried that low-carb diet. I snapped.”

He had my attention. I have SO been there. Several times, in fact.

I squinted at the sign for the day’s episode. “The Ultimate Fat Debate.”

Oh. Dear. Tara.

They had my attention.

The guy who was undone by the low carb diet turned out to be a comedian, John Pinette. This guy is FUNNY, and he is so after my own heart. Talking about his personal trainer he says, “I don’t do ups. Sit ups, push-ups, chin-ups… I do downs. I can sit down, lie down…gimme a cheeseburger, I”ll wolf it down…” Some of his clips are available online. In another clip from this routine, he says, (as I have often maintained to The Queen of Pain herself) “Ups defy gravity. Gravity is a law, and I obey the law.”

Aside from the comedian, Dr. Phil had a panel, and I gotta say, they weren’t nearly as entertaining. Although, there were a few places where I thought they were going to go all Jerry Springer. That trainer chick from The Biggest Loser, was on, along with some guy with a shirt that said “No Chubbies.” They were squaring off against a group of VOLUPTOUS women from groups like The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. These women were (justifiably) NOT HAPPY with the chap in the “No Chubbies” shirt. I couldn’t look away.

But, I did hie me to Jazzercise yesterday, and defied gravity one more time.

Peace, out…

Susan

No, I haven’t been on maternity leave since last June. Y’all wouldn’t believe all the many valid (or at least plausible) reasons that I’ve fallen off the exercise wagon (and abandoned my blog) for nearly a year, so I’ll skip those, but none involved bearing children. Likely, it was due to the efforts of the notorious Vast Fat-Wing Conspiracy (VFWC).

Anyway…when last I reported on my attempts to become svelte, the Queen of Pain (also know as Casey, the alien Jazzercise instructor), was undergoing a bizarre alien birthing ritual that required her to perch on her throne for months while others brought her offerings of peanut butter milkshakes.

A while back she delivered a gorgeous child that appears to be a human baby girl. We’ll see. The QOP has been back on stage significantly longer than I have been back on the dance floor. I drug my self back in about a month ago. This was a huge mistake.

Pregnancy, I have learned, turns your average alien aerobics instructor into a woman consumed with the need to burn calories…mine, yours, hers…all calories must be dealt with harshly. We are ALL suffering to make sure that the QOP (who is, naturally, skinnier than she was pre-pregnancy) looks good in her bikini this summer. She shoved a whole extra song into her set today, and every last one of them was so fast I swear it sounded like she was auctioning cattle while she cued.

I crawled out of there, drug myself home and started speed eating aspirin.

It’s going to be a long, painful road back…

Peace, out…

Susan

Somebody Gets It

Postpartum Depression