Back in the late 1800s and early 1900s, there was a columnist at the Salisbury Post whose pen name was Venus of Faith. He was the “country correspondent,” and he reported news from the small towns–Faith, Granite Quarry, and Rockwell, among others–surrounding Salisbury, which was the “big city” in the area.
Venus, (his real name was J.T. Wyatt) often ended his columns with the challenge, “If you can beat that, trot it out.” With a tip of my hat to Venus, here is my turkey story, as related by my manicurist…
Another of my manicurist’s clients is married to an engineer, or possibly a physicist–a man with some such nerdy occupation. She’s a drug rep, or maybe she sells hospital equipment–something like that. Suffice to say they are both college educated, and have demanding jobs, a house, mortgage, 2.5 kids, etc. They are living the American dream.
The day before Thanksgiving, Mrs. Very Busy Professional asked Mr. VBP to please stop by the grocery store and pick up a turkey as she was in over her head bringing home the bacon, frying it up in the pan, and making her mani-pedi appointments. He agreed to pick up the bird.
Now, Mr. VBP had been reading up on locally sustainable food sources, organic farming, global warming, and many other socially conscience topics. He was looking to reduce his carbon footprint, et cetera. He thinks to himself, I can do better than stopping by the grocery store. I can get us a REAL turkey for Thanksgiving.
He drives his Mercedes all the way to a farm in Boiling Springs and picks up a LIVE TURKEY and totes him home in a cage in the back seat. The bird was unhappy with this development, and spoke about it to Mr. VBP all the way back to Greenville.
Can you imagine this man’s poor wife’s face when he unloaded that sucker in the backyard? I crack up every time I think about it. What kind of idiot… I wonder sometimes if too much education might unhinge certain personality types… I digress.
She stared at him with confusion and disbelief. “What am I suppose to do with that?” she reasonably inquired.
“You grew up on a farm,” he said, rather defensively. “You can pluck it, right?”
Amazingly, she did not kill him.
She did what all wives do in the face of husbandly idiocy. She ignored him and carried on. She got into her BMW and drove to the grocery store, leaving him to deal with his new pet.
Thanksgiving dinner came and went, but big bird was not getting along well with the family dog in the fenced in backyard. The turkey tended to peck at the small pooch. The bird was likewise unfriendly to the children, who were afraid to go outside. Mrs. VBP had meetings the day after Thanksgiving, and demanded Mr. VBP deal with the poultry.
The farm apparently had a no-return policy, and it took some imagination and a lot of phone calls to find someone willing to adopt the turkey. Then there was the matter of cleaning the feathers and stench from the Mercedes. I guess some ideas sound better on the Internet than they are in practice.
If you can beat that turkey story, trot out your turkeys.
Peace, out…
Susan
P.S. Don’t forget! Bob Strother’s short story collection, Scattered, Smothered, and Covered, is scheduled for release in early February and is available for advance order right now. Order your copy today and take advantage of the discount price of $9.00 — that’s six dollars off the cover price! The book can be ordered from the MSR Online Bookstore. Here is a link that will take you directly there: Scattered, Smothered, and Covered
So are we talking metaphorical turkeys, like the clueless husband, or turkeys “in real life,” as my granddaughter would say? That was a great story, BTW.
In real life, my turkeys have always turned out just fine, thank you. Especially the year I used the Cook’s Illustrated recipe(motto, “making every recipe five times longer and ten times more complicated, and only printing cookbooks in black and white even though it’s 2011”), which required that I take the bird out of the oven and give it a quarter turn three times in 45 minutes. What can I say? I’m a fool for “the perfect recipe.”
I bet it was well worth the effort. 🙂 The best one I ever baked was the year I tried brining and stuffing it with apples, onions, and celery.
Alas, I cannot beat your story, so… a bow of the head in deference to your great reporting. I would, however, direct your attention to David Sedaris’ book,”Holidays on Ice,” wherein he pens a turkey story worthy of the ages.
This may not beat yours, but I have a turkey story that happened to me when I was eighteen. I was home for a long Christmas vacation from college, and I had a temp job at a nearby turkey farm. I was part of a crew that went into the turkey pens and grabbed the turkeys and handed them up to a guy on a flatbed truck. He would put six turkeys into wooden cages, and stack up the cages until the truck was full.
Do you know how to grab a turkey? Not by the neck, for sure. It will flat those big wings furiously and probrably break your wrist. What you do is reach down, grab one leg, and quickly jerk the turkey up-side-down. You must hold it as far from your body as possible, or those flapping wings could break your ribs. Turkeys are pretty dangerous.
I was wearing contact lenses, and all that flapping blew up heavy dust from the litter (or what ever they call it) on the floor of the pen. In no time, the dust got under my contacts and tears started streaming down my face. The rest of the regular crew just shrugged and mumbled things about me. I heard on of them say something like, “Stupid college kid. He’s crying because we’re going to kill all these turkeys.”
Oh, Phil! Bless you heart–that’s horrible. I can’t imagine having to wrestle turkeys for a job, even temporary. That does sound dangerous. I’m glad you didn’t get a wrist broken–or worse. But that is kinda funny they thought you were crying for the turkeys… 🙂
Ok. This isn’t my turkey story, but it was pretty funny when I heard about it. Back when the first George Bush was running for a second term, he came to Atlanta to campaign. My boss was part of the National Turkey Hunters Association. Somehow their conference was held in the same hotel that Bush showed up at one day. They came marching into the lobby all rigged up with hunting gear and rifles. Surprised the daylights out of the Secret Service. He laughed his head off about this the following Monday.
Now that is funny…
Good story, so funny! I can’t imagine why the DH would think this was a good idea. I never grew up with any king of turkey tradition, but since we’re here, and we live by the adage “when in Rome…” I did roast a few turkeys and they turned out to be delicious.
Did you know that pound for pound, turkey has the most protein? It’s very healthy.
Phil, as a buyer, I visited many slaughterhouses, and turkeys particularly stood out as being very stinky.
I laughed till I cried when my husband told me this story! He brought a turkey home when he was married to his first wife. She was going to put it in the sink to thaw and he asked to see the turkey. She refused to let go of it. He started to pull on the turkey(keep in mind it is still frozen)when she all of a sudden let go of it. The turkey flew out of his hands right out the kitchen window! They lived in a 2nd floor apartment! I asked what they did with it. He said she cooked it and put on the table. The turkey looked like it had been in a fight and was all flattened. His brother took one look at the turkey and said he wanted to eat the winner!
Cecelia, that’s hilarious! I love it!! Thanks so much for sharing! Wishing you and yours a happy Thanksgiving!
I can’t beat your story but sure enjoyed reading it. Wishing you and your family and wonderful Thanksgiving.
Ann, thank you! I’m so happy you enjoyed it! Wishing your and yours a happy Thanskgiving as well!
One of my SILs (sis-in-laws) was living in NC so the other SIL & family drove up from LA for Thanksgiving. It was their 1st time to cook a Turkey without their Mama. They had called & gotten all the info on the “how-to” from her & they were both good cooks. I’m sure they had thoroughly researched cooking turkeys in all the Southern Living & Bells Best Cookbooks they could get their hands on. Thanksgiving Day came and the turkey was smelling delicious!! They pulled it out of the oven & it was perfect! I think the BIL from NC had the privilege of carving (being the man of the house and all) & when he put the carving knife & fork in that beautiful bird – he couldn’t cut it! They couldn’t figure it out! It had thawed the right length of time. It had cooked the correct number of hours. Upon further investigation they discovered – have you guessed yet? – they left the sack with the neck & the giblets inside the turkey while it cooked!!
Guess what?? For the first time in my 29 years of marriage I’m going to that SIL’s home for Thanksgiving lunch tomorrow!! They moved back to our state the year we got married but live several hours away. I surely hope she remembers to empty the turkey before she cooks it this year….
Oh Lisa–how awful! I hope y’all had plenty of sides that year. If y’all are anything like my family, there was still plenty to eat. Our running joke is “once again, we have failed to prepare enough food.” (Naturally, my mother makes enough for a small army.) I hope your thanksgiving this year was neck and giblet free. 🙂
I have a turkey story! In the early 70’s I was living in London (Navy wife.) when my husband decided it would be fun to get a real turkey & have an America Thanksgiving for our landlord & his wife (who had become our good friends) and some of our other Brit friends. The two of them set out for a local farm & came back with a real turkey – the farmer took care of wringing his neck while they were at the Farm. My husband & the landlord plucked & boiled poor Tom! The stench was awful! When it came time to cook, we could not bring ourselves to actually cook & eat that turkey, so we had chicken instead! Needless to say, it was a long time before we ever wanted to eat turkey again!
I don’t blame you! I would’ve been hard pressed to eat poultry of any kind, I’m afraid! Thanks so much for sharing!
Many years ago my husband and I had the ‘turkey trots’ before we had even enjoyed the turkey.
We sent our two young sons (and the family dog) to their grandmother’s while we stayed home in our misery.
She and my brother in law — after a couple of manhattans and martinis– decided the turkey should be basted. They went to get it out of the oven and for some reason each thought the other had control of the pan. Of course, the pan and turkey ended up on the kitchen floor.
My brother in law, who had reached the age of nearly 50 , without the blessings of two rambunctious boys and one nutty dog immediately yelled: ‘boys, whatever you do…stay in the other room’
Of course, both boys and the dog came running into the kitchen , hit the turkey grease and went flying across the floor!
What did my 75 year old mother in law do…yes, indeed- picked that turkey up, put him right back in the oven and told my brother in law she wouldn’t mind another manhattan.
My boys, who are now nearing 50 themselves, still think that was the best Thanksgiving ever!!!!
Hahahaha! Now that’s funny. 🙂
I have a Turkey story! I’m from upstate NY but found myself in the midwest for college. I met a lovely woman at one of my off campus jobs. She was married with children, my first “grown-up” girlfriend. As I coulnt’t get home for Thanksgiving, and my plan had been a BLT and a book that wasn’t a required reading, she invited me to spend the holiday with her and her family.
She had evetything under control. Pies were baked and most of the sides were prepped and ready for the oven. The only thing left to do was stuff the bird her husband was picking up on his way home from work.
We walked through the door and were greeted by the sounds of a happy family. We followed the sounds to the backyard where dad and the kids were laughing at the dog. The dog was running in circles chasing a turkey that was tied to the flag pole. The turkey would turn and chase the dog and then then the dog would turn and….It was pretty funny. Until my friend asked her beloved, wth?
He got a little indignant. He grew up on a farm! He knew what to do! She wouldn’t have to do a thing! He was going to teach the kids how to pluck a bird! It was going to be a great bonding experience for he and the kids!
Till the kids realized what he was talking about and one by one they started to cry.
The chicken was delicious!
They had that turkey for three years. The kids named it, Classy.
One of the best holidays I ever had!
Oh my stars! I can’t imagine what I’d do if my husband came home with a live turkey. I’m pretty sure he knows better. Love the name! 🙂
My story takes place back in the early 70’s. My husband had just graduated Veterinary College, and was an Army Captain stationed in Annapolis. We had the other Army Vet and wife over for Dinner in our cramped quarters. When it came time to truss the turkey I didn’t have string or skewers. So I used dissolvable sutures that were pre threaded on a needle. (The turkey is ready when the sutures are dissolved).
This was going great when it became time to take the turkey to the table. I tried to lift it and promptly dropped it. The wife and I looked at each other, started laughing and picked it up, wiped it off and made it to the table. When it came time to carve the table the guys decided to have a contest who could do a better job, with scalpels. Don’t remember if we had a winner, as we were laughing so much. But they both agreed, it was a lot easier to operate on a roasted turkey than it would be a live one.